Seven reasons why Alex never picked up the phone
by Tigeroo
Summary: Companion piece to "Seven phone calls that Alex never answered". Alex' POV of the phone calls Elliot mentions in "Lead". Alex/Olivia


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, well except for all typos and mistakes.

Spoilers up to "Lead". Some of the phone calls Elliot mentions in that episode from Alex' POV.

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**7 reasons why Alex never picked up the phone**

Companion piece to "**7 phone calls that Alex never answered**"

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**Shock**

"_You have **one** new message"_

Alex pressed the button of her blinking answering machine. The fresh cup of designer coffee her secretary had offered her as soon as she had entered the office nearly hit the floor at the sound of the first tentative words of the detective. _"It's me, uhm, Liv"_, Alex let out a sound that was half sob, half snort. As if she could ever forget her favourite detective's voice. It had haunted her for three years in WP. Memories of the subdued and soft words the brunette had for the young and innocent, of the powerful and angry accusations she hauled at the perps and at the passionate retorts and discussions the headstrong detective had exchanged with the ADA whenever their opinions concerning a case had clashed. Olivia's voice was memorable. It was powerful. It could command a roomful of people or the beat of Alex heart with just one word. It _still_ could. No, Alex was not ready. She wasn't ready for the way her heart and body reacted to Liv's voice even after three years. It was still a shock to her whole system. She didn't trust herself to face the detective so soon. Not before she knew she could resist.

**Fear**

"_You have **two** new messages"_

Alex sighed and deleted the first message. Why had the dentist's office not just called her private number, it would have saved her a trip across town to find out that her appointment had been cancelled. When she pressed play again, Olivia's voice filled the room. After her first call two weeks ago, Alex was still trying to find the courage to pick up the phone and call the detective back. She still wasn't sure what her feelings towards the older woman really consisted of, and she was terrified to find out. _"Liar"_, the taunting voice inside her head scoffed, when she involuntarily smiled at Olivia's adorable nervousness on the phone, _"you know exactly what you feel for her, you are just to scared to admit it."_ Damn it, she wasn't even kidding herself anymore...

**Jealousy**

"_You have **one** new message"_

Elliot. Alex chuckled. She was touched that he had called her. They hadn't been real close, and in some ways they had argued even more than her and Liv had, but she knew he was a good man, loyal, always looking out for his partner, and seeking justice for the innocent. But they had always been from different worlds, she mused when she heard him specify that they were playing softball. Of course they were, they always did, she knew that. She hadn't been to many of their outings, on week-ends she had usually done some reading, visited her mother (just thinking of her still hurt), or been to fund raisers or other "high society" Cabot duties. But sometimes, after weeks of long and especially gruesome cases she had joined them at the field, watching them play with Kathy and Olivia, cheering and eating hot dogs or burgers with homemade salads. They had never asked her to join the team though. Not that she had the foggiest clue about softball, she had always been more of a tennis player or golfer, at least before a bullet went through her shoulder, but they could have offered... _"Casey replaced Munch." _So the new ADA fit in just right. She was one of them, part of their team. Replacing Munch on the field and Alex in the courtroom.

**Change**

"_You have **one** new message"_

Listening to Munch and his theories was like reading one of the stories that her mother had read to her when she was a child. It was familiar, a constant, something that once was a fixed part of your life and now only is a distant but trusted memory. A trip down memory lane. So Munch apparently hadn't changed. Remembering Elliot's message from a few weeks back neither had he. Olivia also sounded like she always had: caring, self-deprecating, and sincere. It seemed like nothing much had changed in New York. They were still the same people, the same tight knit 1-6. But she was different now. The years in WP had changed her. Three years of living in fear and pretending not to be herself had left some deep marks. She was even stronger than before, but also more vulnerable, less trusting. More caring, but more cynical. Less self-confident on the inside, but more powerful on the outside. Even more focused on her career, but yearning for some sort of family. She wasn't really sure who she was anymore, Alex, or Emily, or Joanna, or someone completely new, but she knew that she was not the same person that had left New York. How could the new Alex fit into her old world?

**Memories**

"_You have **two** new messages"_

Cragen's voice was like that of a father. It always had been. Stern but caring, supporting when needed, reprimanding when deserved. He was always there for his team. She was sure that he had looked after Olivia and Elliot after her so-called death and her brief intermezzo in court afterwards. Even though he had never explicitly stated it, she knew, that he considered her to be _'one of his kids'_ as well. She knew that she had disappointed him, not by disappearing, but by not coming back to them. He made her feel guilty, made her want to explain herself. She touched the phone, not listening to the second message, which was some of her youngster's explaining his latest disastrous work. She picked it up, her fingers lingering over the buttons. She saw his face flashing in front of her eyes, remembered the look in his eyes when he saw her _'ghost' _appearing from WP, so similar to the one in Olivia's eyes when Hammond had let her see them one last time, her arm in a sling. She dropped the phone, the flood of memories overwhelming her. She couldn't. It was too painful. She would start a new life. Don had said it himself, it was what she deserved.

**Shame**

It was 8 pm and Alex was hiding in her office. She was dreading to go home, to an answering machine full of messages from well-wishers and newspapers who wanted a statement, to a _'fiancé'_ who had probably ordered the best take-out money can buy and was waiting to fulfill her every wish and whim. She jerked up when her phone rang and started to pack her briefcase. That was probably Robert, wondering were she was. But all thoughts of which files to take home were forgotten when the answering machine did not pick up her fiancé's rich baritone voice, but the soft sounds of the voice she was trying so hard to forget.

Listening to the the woman who she had never allowed herself to love congratulate her on the engagement to another made her cry hot tears of shame. "_I hope that you are happy. That's all I __ever wanted, I just thoug..."_ Alex wanted to pick up the phone, to ask Olivia what she had been about to say. But she didn't. She had made her choice. She had been too scared of her own feelings, of her own longings, of the possibility of what might have happened. She was ashamed for never giving Olivia the explanation she deserved, and for never being able to return the feelings that Robert had for her. She was ashamed that the new Alex Cabot was a coward, and when Olivia said her final goodbye Alex sat down and wept for the chances she had lost.

**No more reasons**

Her phone rang when Alex entered her office. She heard the answering machine pick it up and dropped the keys, hurrying to the phone. On the display she saw Olivia's number. This time she was ready. She had broken off her engagement. It hadn't been fair to lead Robert on. She would have never been able to love him the way he loved her. Alex had thought about calling Olivia, but she had thought she was too late. Too much time had passed. But now Olivia was calling her and she was ready. She would pick up the phone and grovel if necessary, anything to get the detective to forgive her.

The blonde took the receiver._"Alex Cabot."_ She only heard the dial tone. Too late...

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Good story? Bad story? Sad story (yeah, I know that one's true)? What do you think? Your feed-back is most appreciated.


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